Sitting in Caribou drinking a pumpkin latte (which has to be one of the top 5 things about Fall), I was reading over Colossians in the hopes I would have some idea of what to discuss with some great college students as we discussed it together. And it is there in the second half of chapter 2 that Paul tells his readers the main problem with these false teachers who are confusing them. And the primary problem is more than just celebrating or not celebrating the right day; it is more than what a person eats or drinks; it is more than asceticism or angels. The main thing is that these false teachers have not held on to the head, Jesus Christ. They have not kept Christ in His proper place. I wonder if heresey for Paul is more a denigration of the person and work of Christ than lack of conformity to a theological system. In other words is it possible that heresey for Paul is primarily Christological in nature?
The following is a paper I wrote in the Fall of 2007 for a class on pastoral counseling for Dr. Winfred Neely at the Moody Bible Institute.
In the time it took you to pick up and read the title of this paper a spouse, probably a woman was abused.[1] Mate abuse, or spousal abuse, is a form of domestic violence which is becoming all too common across the world, in both developing countries and in the more affluent and developed west. Pastors must be prepared to face the challenges of ministering and helping the victims of mate abuse.
Involvement
Statistics indicate that anywhere from 80 to 90 percent of mate abuse victims are women.[2] This raises a unique situation for male pastors because when a pastor deals with mate abuse almost nine times out of ten he will be counseling a woman. A pastor then should take all the standard precautions he would normally take when counseling a woman, including counseling with the door open, counseling with a secretary or other woman nearby and possibly meeting in either a public place or recording the counseling session. Because the counselee is a woman the pastor may also need to refer her out to a female counselor. A woman who has come forward to receive help due to an abusive situation is already in a desperate place and could be susceptible to becoming emotionally attached to a pastor, or at the very least begin to see him as a rescuer. Thus, while it may be difficult for a pastor to refer out an abused spouse, especially if the woman is someone from his congregation he should remember that the welfare of the counselee should always remain the top priority.
Beyond this the pastor must also take into account the possible need for family counseling. Children who are witnesses of abuse will likely need counseling. Along these lines it is also vitally important for the pastor to be sure that the abuse has remained between the spouses in some fashion. This is important because in many states child abuse requires mandatory reporting but spousal abuse does not. Thus, children bring two added elements which the pastor must consider, first the possibility of counseling for children who may have witnessed abuse. And secondly the need to clarify the extent of the abuse in order to assure that no child has been abused in the midst of these incidents of domestic violence.
A final consideration for pastoral counselors is the possible need for the pastor to meet with the abuser. Since nearly 90% of abuse victims are women, the reverse is true that nearly 90% of abusers are men. Thus a pastoral counselor may need to meet with the abusive spouse in order to first of all gage the abuser’s condition and become better acquainted with the situation and also to see if there is any way that counseling between the pastor and the abuser can take place. Pastors should remember that it is not only the abused but also the abuser who is suffering from some very deep seeded issues and wrong thinking about life which in turn causes him to resort to violence in his relationship with his mate. This kind of behavior is thus indicative of a very troubled and needy person.
Investigation
Before counseling a victim of mate abuse is vital that the pastoral counselor understands some of the broader issues surrounding mate abuse. First, the counselor needs to understand the number of forms mate abuse can take. Mate abuse can include many aspects of abuse including sexual abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, neglect or physical abuse. The presence of any of these in a marriage relationship could be labeled as mate abuse.[3]
The statistics on mate abuse found in the United States, North America and around the world are astounding. In a number of studies done across the world around ten years ago it was found that almost one in every five women will be a victim of abuse at some time in their life from an intimate partner.[4] Other statistics have upped the estimate to one in every four women having been a victim of spousal abuse and that up to 324,000 pregnant women each year are victims of mate abuse.[5] The National Council on Child Abuse and Domestic Violence estimates that somewhere between 3 and 4 million women are battered each year and notes that some estimates even go so far as to suggest that ever 15 seconds a woman is abused by an intimate partner in the United States.[6] With the obvious prevalence of spousal abuse it is virtually guaranteed that this is an issue which will come up in your ministry as either a pastor or director of women’s ministries.
It is important to remember that many times victims of mate abuse are slow to come forward.[7] Victims may be unwilling to come forward due to a variety of reasons. Financial concerns can play a large role. If the husband is the primary bread-winner of the house the woman may have concerns over how she will provide for herself or her children. Fear is another huge issue facing victims of abuse. If the victim has abused for no good reason in the past then they might think that by telling someone else they will only be opening themselves (and/or their children) to even more abuse. Some women may also continue in abusive relationships out of the hope that someday the man will change and she will live a happy fulfilled life. Sadly, in order for abuse to stop virtually always the abuser must receive counseling of their own before being able to break from their patterns of behavior and so abuse victims continue, relying on a far fetched fantasy of change. Finally, some women continue in abusive relationships because of a false belief that God is the one who put them in that abusive relationship and that consequently they should stay in the abusive situation. [8] Perhaps even worse are the women who continue in abusive relationships because they think they deserve it because of some fault of their own. This false belief can even be furthered by verbal abuse or by excuses for abuse offered by abusers.
If the victims of abuse are then slow to come forward pastors and others in ministry must be faithful to carefully observe those in our congregations and be alert for signs of abuse. Signs of mate abuse could include such things as a history of miscarriages, frequent illness or trips to the emergency room, signs of ongoing stress including headaches or other body pains, sudden mood swings and frequent absence from work or church events.[9] Abused women are much more likely to suffer from mental, emotional and health problems and thus frequent struggles with any of these could point to an abusive situation. In fact abused women are six times more likely to experience emotional and psychological distress than non-abused women.[10] Other signs of abuse can include reports of disruption from friends and family members, references from others in the home to abuse.[11] In fact children are five times more likely to exhibit problem behaviors when they are witnesses of abuse.[12]
Identification
In meeting with a counselee who has been the victim of spousal abuse, it is important to understand some of the issues which will most likely be stirring under the surface. The violence and wrong done against the counselee give rise to a number of other issues in the woman, and these issues must be treated just as seriously as any of her physical injuries. In many cases women who are the victims of abuse often deal with a number of beliefs regarding the situation which need to be addressed. A counselor must be on the lookout for any of these beliefs of the counselee regarding her situation.
First, some counselees will experience feelings of guilt over their abuse. The victim of abuse must realize that he/she is only responsible for his/her actions; not those of their spouse. One author writes that, “Most abused women carry a heavy load of unrealistic guilt.”[13] This propensity for guilt can be accentuated by the fact that the abusive partner may have been heaping blame for the situation on the abused victim by convincing the counselee that it was some action of the victim which precipitated the abuse.
Second, the counselee may be experiencing feelings of fear. The trauma of having been the victim of such aggressive violence from the person closest to the counselee can cause the victim of mate abuse to be fearful of trusting another person and opening up to them. This reminds us of the importance of the counselee being of the same sex as the counselor because of the necessary trust element which must exist between counselor and counselee and because of the natural propensity for some type of attachment to develop out of that trust.
Third, the counselee may experience deep shame regarding their abuse. This shame can be multifaceted and include both shame over the actual violence and shame over the state of their marriage. Even for unbelievers, having to admit the presence of abuse in a marriage is a shameful thing but this is especially true for families in the Christian community. This shame is “the embarrassed feeling that you or your marriage does not measure up.”[14]
Fourth, a counselee who has been the victim of abuse may be experiencing an acute sense of loneliness. This feeling of shame is closely related to the feeling of embarrassment, and it keeps both family and friends away causing the family to shy away from socialization.
At the core of all of these issues lie two things which need to be addressed in the counseling. The first is the issue of self-blame. Many of these feelings of guilt and shame arise from the counselee’s blaming herself/himself for the abuse. The second, issue which must be addressed is the counselee’s lowered self-value. Victims of abuse can often times develop a low view of themselves which is what lies at the root of much of their shame, self-inflicted loneliness and fear.
Before moving on it should be mentioned that the abusive spouse will also need counseling to correct some of the faulty core beliefs and views which helped lead to the abuse starting in the first place. Here the issues can range from more obvious things like struggling with unmet expectations, not being able to handle anger and frustration, failure to forgive and move past arguments and hurts that may have occurred years earlier in the marriage to struggling with a serious emotional or psychological disorder which contributes to the abuse and causes the abusive spouse to be dangerously violent. Extreme caution and immediate professional help should be taken if the abusive spouse displays extremely volatile and aggressive behavior that in some way indicates he/she could seriously harm another human being.
Initiation[15]
The first issue that may arise in helping a victim of abuse depends on the condition of the counselee. The counselor must discern whether or not the counselee needs first to receive medical attention to help treat any physical ailments which may have been inflicted through the abuse. The second, issue which the counselor must address is the issue of housing for the counselee. In many cases it may not be safe for the counselee and her/his children to return to the home and even if there is not immediate threat of abuse it still may not be advisable because of the pain associated with the physical location. Thus, the counselor may need to find a shelter for abused women or possibly contact a trusted family in the church who can take in the counselee and his/her family for a period of time.
After these immediate issues have been addressed the counselor should begin to help the counselee work through many of the feelings and beliefs discussed above. Those feelings of guilt, shame, loneliness and fear need to be addressed as do the underlying issues of self-blame and diminished self-worth. Dealing with self-blame can in some ways be the most problematic because it involves correcting an irrational belief which the victim has construed as a coping mechanism. This self-blame can be worked through by having the counselee listen to the stories of other women who have worked through spousal abuse. Talking to other women who have worked through their abusive relationships can also help the counselee cope with the feelings of loneliness and shame as well. Scripture can be used to affirm the principle that each person is responsible for the actions of himself/herself.[16]
Another measure which may prove helpful is finding and placing the counselee in a supportive circle of friends. This circle of friends can help do a number of things. Again, it can be provide much needed support to help the counselee cope and work through those feelings of guilt, shame, loneliness and fear and it can also help restore self-worth to the counselee. Biblical teaching on the counselees honor as being an image bearer of God[17] and, in some cases a child of God[18] can also be used to help the counselee begin to understand his or her position as a valued and loved person in the context of a caring and compassionate community.
As the counselee begins to look towards the future wise counsel will be needed from both pastors and other mature believers regarding the issue of possible divorce or at least separation over abuse. Much of this will depend on the nature and severity of the abuse and on the state of the abusive spouse. Regardless of the counselee’s decision regarding this issue he or she will need continued support from those in her community as she tries to start anew in life. Practical considerations such as providing childcare or helping with transportation can play a huge role in helping the counselee establish normalcy in day to day life.
In closing it is helpful to remind pastoral counselor’s that as always counseling situations should be bathed in prayer before, during and after the session and that the counselor must be careful to listen to not only the counselee but also the Holy Spirit as He works in and through both the counselor and the counselee.
[1] Gottesman, Ronald “Violence in America” Vol. 1 New York: Charles Scribner’s Sons 1999 pg. 419
[2] Gottesman, Ronald “Violence in America” Vol. 3 New York: Charles Scribner’s Sons 1999 pg. 207
[3] Collins, Gary “Christian Counseling” Thomas Nelson:Nashville 2007 pg. 400
[4] Kroeger Catherine Clark & Nancy Nason-Clark “No Place for Abuse: Biblical & Practical Resources to Counteract Domestic Violence” IVP: Downers Grove 2001 pg. 27
[5]< http://www.charityadvantage.com/Tear_BearNLGQLG/TearsofAbuse.asp#Spousal_Abuse> Accessed 11/29/07
[6] National Council on Child Abuse & Domestic Violence, On-line article <http://nccafv.org/spouse.htm> accessed 11/29/07
[7] Collins pg 401
[8] Kroeger & Clark pg. 34-36
[9] Collins pg. 413
[10] Kroeger & Clark pg.37
[11] Collins pg. 413
[12] Kroeger & Clark pg. 37
[13] Monfalcone, Wesley R. “Coping with Abuse in the Family” Philadelphia: Westminster 1980 pag. 87
[14] Ibid., pg. 87
[15] Many of the ideas presented in this section of the paper are found in or were inspired through Wesley R. Monfalcone’s book “Coping with Abuse in the Family”
[16] James 1:14
[17] Genesis 1:16; James 3:9
[18] John 1:12
A powerful video from the Dallas Morning News on a couple who chose to have their child despite knowing that he had a fatal disease.
Mark Galli at CT has a great editorial up on the relationship between religion, Christianity and the gospel. Galli urges Christians to pay no heed to affirmations from sociologists affirming the beneficence of religion. He notes that while Christianity is a religion, as defined by sociologists, what stands at the heart of Christianity is something radically different. He writes,
The gospel isn’t primarily about helping individuals to live the life they’ve always wanted; it tells people to die to their yearning for self-fulfillment. It is not about helping people feel good about themselves, but telling them that they are dying. It’s not about improving people, but killing the old self and creating them anew. It’s not about helping people make space for spirituality in their busy lives, but about a God who would obliterate all our private space. The gospel is not about getting people to cooperate with God in making the world a better place—to give it a fresh coat of paint, to remodel it; instead it announces God’s plan to raze the present world order and build something utterly new.
Read the whole thing here.
Ed Stetzer met with leaders from the Anglican Mission in the Americas this week. I love that Ed, who is a Baptist, meets with Church leaders, regardless of denominational lines. A good reminder that the church extends beyonds the walls of your local congregation and beyond the boundaries of your denomination. To find out more about his meeting with AMiA leaders and the new conservative Anglican Church in North America go here.
Ed Stetzer is one of the voices in contemporary evangelicalism who has some really beneficial things to say. Ed has probably done more research and statistics on contemporary church movements and strategies than anyone in conservative evangelicalism. Judging from his writings he is also a delightfully positive and constructive person. In this brief article/blog post he answers the question of whether the church should listen to the unchurched. I like his answer but would put this question forward for you to think about: Yes, we need to understand the people we are trying to reach with the gospel, but how much of our tactics in ministry should be dictated by culture? A doctor needs to listen to the patient, but he does not let the patient prescribe the remedy. As Ed says, the church needs to unapologetically be the church, and trust that God will do with us as He wills. Christianity must be contextualized yet counter-cultural in a radical way.
As a Rangers fan I love Josh Hamilton. As a baseball fan I think Hamilton is one of the new wave of players who has the potential to bring baseball out of the steroid era. By the way imagine how scary Hamilton would be if he had played 8 years ago. He can hit the ball as hard and far as the best of the juicers could. That’s just unfair. As a Christian I love Hamilton for his simple and outspoken demeanor. So like a lot of people I was disappointed by Hamilton a couple weeks ago. Thankfully Hamilton expressed genuine humility and repentance following the revelation of his January escapade. Ted Kluck at CT expresses my opinion of the matter better than I could myself.
James K. A. Smith has just come out with a new book that looks fascinating. From what I have read about the book I gathered this impression: Smith wants to redirect education by describing humans first as lovers, not as thinkers. If so, then worldivew is not really the bedrock layer, but rather something underneath worldview. This changes the structure of Christian education because education becomes more about worship and formation than information. I’m excited to read this one. Christianity Today reviews the book here.
The final installment from Andrew Elliot of the New York Times in her 2007 Pulitzer Prize winning series on Sheik Reda Shata focuses on his transition from urban America to suburban America. The amount of overlap betwee the struggles of an Islamic Sheik and a suburban pastor may come as a surprise to some.
